You may be a tanker if...

[Keith Heitmann]

Your hunting dog obeys the commands "halt", "traverse left/right", "forward", "identified".

You recycle because you feel sorry for those poor bastards down at Bragg.

You can sleep through a raging thunderstorm, but wake up when your watch alarm goes off.

When playing football, you never throw a pass without checking wind, baro and the football's temperature.

You let your kids pee off the porch, but ground them when their rooms aren't IAW the standard loadplan.

You're always accusing the wife of turning down the volume down on the TV and telephone.

You believe that during the Gulf War, everyone was there to support YOU.

You laugh at redneck jokes...after they're explained to you.

You shy away from helping your kids with their math because you don't have all your fingers.

The only ashtrays you have at home are all 120mm aft caps.

You giggle uncontrollably when the guys talk about the thrill of firing big bore guns like the .308.

You spend your days off in exotic locales like the Patton Museum.

You say "On the way!" as you pass gas.

You name your kids Abrams, Sheridan, Patton, Walker, etc....

Your kid's nicknames are Sabot, HEAT, HEP, Coax, etc....

You consider four the perfect size for a family.

You don't realize that's it's illegal to stick your head out of the sun roof while driving.

You and your wife have a his and hers set of coveralls.

You look down to read your weight and can't.

You have the high score on Tank Battle at every arcade within a ten-mile radius.

You remove your headgar and place your hand over your heart before utttering the words "General Patton".

by "Old Kentucky Home" you mean Fort Knox.

The only scouts you're aware of are Boy and Girl Scouts.

Up is no longer a direction for you.

You believe a hammer can fix anything.

You run up your Sears charge card on 1 1/8" to 4" wrenches.

You find "Tank" starring James Garner, to be a far better movie than "Top Gun" starring some priss.

You stop by every gas station you pass in order to top-off.

You invite all your friends over for a barbecue and all three show up.

You can never buy a big enough car to drive around in.

Your wife greets you at the door after work with a hose and bottle of degreaser.

You drive everywhere, including two houses down.

[tanker]

Thanks for posting this. The guys at the 4th Armored Div/67th Armored Reg. reunion really got a kick out of these. Unfortunately many are to true. Gary Owen!

[cadfael]

Reading 'You may be a tanker if ...' reminds me of this:

Actions on encountering a snake:

Infantry: Fixes snake with sustained machine gun fire, bags of smoke and mortars. Performs left flanking attack on snake. Gets bitten by snake’s supporting positions.

Airborne: Lands 15 miles from snake. Tabs to objective. Finds out snake is a member of the family and has reunion drink. Starts a fight, because even though snake is a member of the family, it is not in the regiment. Snake dies from injuries sustained.

Armour: Meets snake while out with Labrador. Snake takes instant dislike to Labrador, but Labrador (being one of the most stupid breeds around) doesn’t realise. Snake bites Labrador, Armour shoots snake with shotgun and misses. Snake slithers away whilst Armour is re-loading.

Cavalry: Snake? What snake? There are no snakes in London and the gamekeeper keeps them away from the country pile.

Commando: Meets and recruits snake. Snake fails ‘The Course’ as snake never gets naked. Commando derides snake for failing ‘The Course’. Snake bites Commando in revenge, Commando lives but snake dies (Commando is more poisonous after all).

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical doctrine for the fixing of snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. No one listens. Snake moves to new location, Combat Engineer begins process again.

Artillery: Calls for massive bombardment, misses snake but decimates wood around snake. Snake dies from a tree falling on it. Mission declared a success and all participants awarded medals for valour.

SF: Makes contact with snake, ignores Foreign Office directives and Theatre Commander’s instructions by building rapport with snake and winning it’s heart and mind. Trains snake in various sabotage and insurgency techniques. This miss fires when SF leaves country, making massive expenses claim, and snake believes that SF left snake in the lurch. Snake begins terrorist campaign in SF’s own country.

Navy: Invites snake aboard ship to impress snake. Snake later found to have had sex with Wren (Women’s Royal Navy) on lower poop deck by investigative journalist. Wren is cast out of bird population for consorting with snake. Navy is investigated before ‘Captain’s Table’ and is found to have upheld the highest traditions of the Service. Navy is promoted.

Reservist: Completes the 2 week snake course. Five years later meets snake and having forgotten all of previous training talks to snake about civilian job (if Reservist has one).

Air: Tasked with destroying snake’s lair, Air gets wrong target and bombs rabbit warren, causing massive collateral damage. This is blamed on snake’s anti-Air capability. Mission declared a success as Hollywood has doctored some film, which is shown to the press. Everyone awarded medal for being Air.

Aviation: Having just completed pilot’s course, Aviation flies helicopter into hillside killing gunner but escaping with own life. Snake is blissfully unaware of any of this.

Intelligence: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence are currently active. Assess likelihood of snake activity as Low. (Snake rolls across the border catching entire army off guard. Because of Intelligence’s umbrella and political connections is promoted and awarded a job in another country’s armed forces.)

General Support (Construction) Engineer: Builds pub, falls over drunk, gets bitten by snake after landing on it. Snake dies of alcohol poisoning after breathing Engineer’s breath.

;D